First of all, here is a photo of my morning glories and moon flowers I planted six weeks ago. They’re literally going crazy after all the rain! The sweet basil is also thriving. I made the second trellis myself last summer when the first one began to deteriorate. During the rising of a full moon. The neighborhood kids were howling and after completing the trellis, I went down to hang out with them.
Upon showing them my fairy gardens, they asked me if I were rich. Lol. I told them no, I just like to collect things and grow flowers and herbs. My fairy gardens and petunias are also thriving right now. Having a balcony garden is so great.
I am learning to be patient with the healing process, which is taking longer than I thought. I haven’t ever really been patient with myself, so learning is an ongoing process. Forgiveness is such an essential part of this process.
This includes forgiving all whom I ever gave my energy away to who may have hurt me, whether that was intentional or unintentional. This includes myself, for all the mistakes I ever made and for any pain I ever caused my loved ones unintentionally, by forgetting to take good care of myself during this long journey called life.
Long, long ago my grandfather died in a house fire, and his spirit told me he wanted me to move to Oklahoma to be near my grandma. Two days after he passed, his sister awoke and told the family God had told her Grandpa wanted me to be at his funeral.
Maybe because I was his first granddaughter, and had gone to live with him and Grandma when I was 9 and had developed an ulcer because the kids at school in Peñasco teased and tormented me so much. Because I wasn’t Spanish. And because the hippies at the Hog Farm had sent their kids to school the year before with lice in their hair, dirty, with no underwear. Many of them seriously did a terrible job at parenting! But that’s a whole other story.
My ex and I, along with the five children we had at the time (four mine and one his foster son he had acquired through a previous relationship) traveled from Pacifica, California to Oklahoma in the winter. We drove caravan style – me in the Nissan pulling a home made trailer fashioned out of a sawed off pickup with camper shell and with a ladder and bikes on top, and he in a van pulling the little camper house he had built out of plywood.
I had never pulled a trailer before and was a bundle of nerves. As we drove across the Bay Bridge, one of the tires on the trailer began to wobble. My 15-year-old daughter and I were jamming out to Pearl Jam when she said people were trying to get my attention.
“They’re laughing at us, Nina” I told her, totally believing they were. This went on for about five minutes, then the tire rolled past us! I knew I needed to pull over.
This was the early Nineties, so no cell phones, but we did have walkie talkies. Lol. I let my ex know what was going on, and he and the kids pulled over to wait for us.
The Bay Patrol came and towed us to a terrible neighborhood in Oakland. Traumatized, I wanted to get a room. Drug dealers walked up and down the streets and the hotels had bullet proof glass windows, so we decided to head on down the road.
We only made it about thirty more minutes before my nerves gave in. The next day we made it to Bakersfield, where it took two days to repair the camper.
It took us ten days to make it to Oklahoma! There was lots of snow in Flagstaff, Arizona, where a wheel came off his trailer house while we were exiting the freeway! I’m pretty sure my Grandpa was our special angel, though, and he made sure we made it safely to Norman.
Although, somehow while driving through Moore, Oklahoma, my trailer got in a slight wreck without me noticing it. Lol. The streets were icy and snow packed, and I had been living in California for three years.
And I only had seven months experience driving in New Mexico before moving away. I got my license when I was nine months pregnant with my dear Alyssa. Then I moved away when she was six months old because of issues between me and her dad. I felt I needed to run away, so I did.
Ran away with four kids and my dear sister came to help me make the drive to Los Angeles, where my mom lived. I had a 1968 Cutlass Supreme, which blew a rod at a gas station in Flagstaff.
God was watching over us that time, too. The car easily could have broken down in the long stretch of mountain desert between Gallup and Flagstaff. But it waited til we were safely at a gas station.
My mom had trained me to do medical transcription after my third child was born. I used to take the bus from Hollywood to Glendale, about an hour ride, carrying my baby, holding my toddler by the hand. It was during that time that chronic pain began.
Thirty years ago. Being in overdrive all the time for years and years and years can cause some serious problems with the body. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was wrong. There were complications with my delivery, the epidural messed up and they struck my spinal cord, and afterwards I became quite ill with an infection which spread through my abdomen. I had a large cyst in my left upper flank.
Which is where the chronic pain began. They thought it was my kidneys, and there was some evidence they were involved. Then they felt it was all GI issues. It wasn’t til my late thirties they diagnosed fibromyalgia, then my forties they found out about my low back and neck. Had my surgery nine years ago, last year they found out it failed. Others have gone through series of surgeries like this, though.
If spinal surgery is recommended for any of you, I recommend taking any course of alternative action first. If you can possibly avoid that type of treatment, please do! They don’t describe the amount of pain involved accurately at all. I have had multiple abdominal surgeries, even four on one day, and nothing at all was as bad as the neck surgery. I am so thankful they didn’t want to give me a repeat surgery!
With time, I did figure out carrying too heavy a load was a huge contributing factor. Doing twenty five massages a week was when it got really bad, so I began taking twelve credit hours of college because I knew I would have to change careers.
So sometimes re-inventing oneself can take a whole decade. Especially with a very large family. I can’t turn my back on them no matter what. And I’m so thankful for having had the opportunity to babysit my Loralai. And right now Adam is almost completely blind due to postoperative dry eye condition, which makes him understandably quite nervous, and he is staying with me again til early next week, when he’s moving to Tulsa. Luckily, he has a good friend to stay with, a friend since he was a teenager.
And I am going to be doing some more massages, am ready to begin slowly. Another series of Physical Therapy is also in order. I’m also practicing my writing off-line and looking into copywriting.
In the meantime, I’m studying energy work and crystal healing to add to my massages. I already know Reiki healing and have been attuned unofficially many many times. And have helped attune a whole classroom of massage students with a friend of mine. That was so awesome! I also attuned my kids. And some friends along the way, all of whom said it was an amazing experience.
My oldest daughter, Loralai’s mom, is a single mother with three kids, and things haven’t been easy for her. But she recently began her burrito business, and luckily, it’s taking off!
Tomorrow is burrito day and Friday garage sale day, so I am going through my clothes and junk. Definitely need to downsize! Where all this stuff comes from is beyond me.
Anyways, all of this is one of the reasons this woman is still working on the self healing process. And I know so many folks have been through so much more. Always there are others in worse situations.
Overcoming situations like that had been a huge part of it. Getting out of emotionally abusive relationships a big part too. My last big breakup from that kind of situation was four years ago.
So considering all that, I certainly feel incredibly blessed to still be here, and not only that, I not only can still use my hands, I still am able to give massages, haven’t had to wear the hand brace in over a year! And there were times I couldn’t even type or write for a whole semester.
Triumphing over obstacles and being eternally thankful no matter what, thankful for my wonderful and loving children and for my loving friends. Thankful for my brothers and sisters and my Da, with whom I still have contact.
Praying for reunion with my aunts and cousins and knowing it’s going to take time. And that is okay. And for a reunion with my biological father, because he is getting old and it would just be nice to talk to him.
May the Supreme Being of Light bless every person on earth, fill us with healing, happiness and love.
Deep peace of the shining stars to each and every person on this planet.