Waiting, Whispering, Pining

It’s now six weeks since my lover had to leave, and so much has happened since then, for both of us. This long distance thing isn’t easy, but our love still feels strong. The test of time we’ve endured for up to five months more than once so far, and always Fate brought us back together, so this much we know to be true.

My rainbow colored squishy pillow and my crystals are fine companions, but nothing at all compared to being in his arms.

For they can’t look at me with his big blue eyes overflowing with tears of joy, that look, that look that tells me how much he loves me without ever saying a word. That look which invites me into his soul, where we invite each other into our bodies and our souls, that blissful secret space / we reserve only for each other.

That sparkle in his eyes and that way he acts scared when I tickle torture him, until we both collapse laughing so hard tears are rolling down our cheeks.

My anam cara, my soul friend, without him I am whole but pining, longing for the time when we can be together again. Only another year.

And I think of others who have been separated so much longer, under much more dire circumstances, and I am thankful for this love.

This love which I searched high and low for, which is still solid as we build a stronger and stronger foundation and are learning, with each set of experiences, both difficult and rewarding, how to communicate with each other more clearly, how to not be afraid or to hide behind any uncomfortable thoughts. But to tell each other these fears and know the other is listening.

Learning to listen more, knowing my story is not more important, any the less urgent. Especially right now, for his love is enormous and he, like me, does not turn his back on those he loves.

I’m so proud of him for doing the right thing and being there for his loved ones in need, even though it means it will be that much longer before I lay eyes on him again, if only I could just not collapse into a puddle of tears, messy unrestrained tears which also reassure me of my strength, because I can go through this and still be here. Still love being here, despite the inevitability of pain because I have found that suffering is always a choice.

Thinking of the people in Ecuador and resisting the urge to live stream the news, for my prayers will not be any more effective if I torture myself with worry for the blessed human beings, members of this human family, my family, to whom I truly do belong.

Thinking of the upcoming Mercury in retrograde and asking the winged messenger to take letters conveying my deep love to my sweetheart and to all the people in my family who need reassurance that I am actually getting better. That I see how sometimes when I was calling to them my anxiety was so great it actually only pushed them further away, it was too overwhelming for them and of course, too much nervous energy, but now I am truly learning to ground myself.

Looking at my five year old granddaughter eating her organic strawberry flakes and see how bright she is, how loving and kind. She’s been helping me care for Fishnu, the slightly depressed ruby red Beta my yogi son left for me to watch while he works out of state. Loralai loves to help feed the little fish, and he seems cheered up, maybe also a bit scared because my cat Mila has been checking him out, but I won’t give her the chance to fulfill her fishy dreams. Lol.

It’s raining here in my hometown, still raining that deep cleansing rain which washes us all, body, mind and spirit, our waterways and estuaries, rivers, brooks and streams.

Connecting with this planet, with all four elements, this universe of which I am a part and giving thanks for the many signs given, again, in recent incoming waves of energy.

Preparing myself, body, mind and spirit in order to keep up with it all, staying busy yet resting fully, going so gently now that living at”break-neck” speed is just not an option any more. Why didn’t I listen and slow down sooner? Why was i so stubborn. Well, at least i can give myself a bit of a break now, it’s time to not be so hard on myself. I am still needed, I still have my own valuable gifts to give to the earth each day.

So I will wrap myself in fluffy blankets and curl up with The Chamber of Secrets and revisit that book like an old friend I haven’t seen in over thirteen years.

And let the day roll past slowly, no watching of the clock, read stories to Loralai and know tonight I’ll be alone again, just me and the cats and Fishnu.

Luckily I have some golden light, both in my room and in my heart, to help keep me from feeling too blue. Or too purple. Lol. Glad I realized too much purple light may have been contributing to falling out of balance. May this be the time that balance is kept, that balance remains a priority even as every part of me becomes stronger and stronger, bit by bit, because all healing is ongoing, and none of us are ever through. It’s one of the many things we came here to learn.

Rainbow Blessings, my friends.

@Kamea Moonmaiden

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